Four Things I Wouldn't Tell my 21 Year Old Self

Today I turned 24. Just like the two birthdays before, I reflected on my 21st birthday. Why? Because let's face it, 21 is awesome! It is a year that signifies growing up and freedom. For me, it was even more special. 21 was one of the best years of my life. It was my first year of singleness since I was 13 years old. It was the year I gained my independence, grew closer to God, and really got to know myself.

A lot has changed in 3 years. 21 year old me had a certain view of how life would go. These are the things I wouldn't tell 21 year old me because the experiences that followed shaped me into who I am today.

1. You'll hate working in insurance

21 year old Lauren was blessed to have a job offer within one week of graduation. The job entailed determining who would and wouldn't get disability benefits for a major insurance company. Exciting, right? Well, I was excited for a paycheck. What I didn't know when I accepted that job offer how emotionally draining it would be. Stressful doesn't begin to cover it. At some points I would be working 10+ hour days and crying multiple times a week. So why wouldn't I warn 21 me against it? It changed me. Oh goodness, I learned more in two years at my job about the real world than in four years of college. It taught me how not to cower away from conflict. It taught me how to have a strong work ethic. It taught me how strong my natural work ethic was. It taught me how to interact and build relationships with those from diverse backgrounds. It taught me how to hold my own with authority. It taught me self-respect. Most importantly, it taught me what I didn't want in a career. I'm so grateful for those two years of soul-crushing work and all the people who I crossed paths with.

2. You'll get your heart broken again 

21 year old Lauren experienced a lot of heartbreak. She had just lost her first love. She learned what true betrayal feels like. It was a tough time to say the least. I was lost and didn't know how to live without the guy I had been with for nearly 8 years. It took months to even be able to pretend to function. My mom referred to it as more of a divorce than a typical college break up. (Side note: finding Ring Finger Tan Line helped so much!) Telling that brokenhearted girl that it wouldn't be the last time she would hurt that badly would have been demoralizing. I needed to be able to love someone again without fear. Loving someone so deeply that you let them hurt you isn't weakness, it's courageous.

3. You won't see your college friends as often as you would like

At 21, I formed some of the strongest friendships I've ever had. These friendships were based on nights at Chimy's, late night queso or Sonic runs, Harry Potter and SVU marathons, and contemplating life over a bottle of cheap moscato. After graduation, one of my best friends was moving to England while the others would be scattered around the country. If someone would have told me that I wouldn't get to see my best college friends but every few months, I wouldn't have believed them. Luckily, distance isn't everything. Now I know friendships can survive any time apart. (Side note: I can't wait to see two of my favorites this weekend!)

4.You'll be living at home when you turn 24

Talk about something really demoralizing...  (Sorry Mom!) After graduation, I was going to live at home for a year at most. Now here I am, still in the little bedroom above my parents' kitchen. It's a little embarrassing at times but I'm here because of my choices I wanted to travel to my college town every 2-4 weeks. On top of that, something always told me that I would eventually be a full-time student again so moving out would've been unwise. I've learned so much about my family and brothers during this time. I fully believe living at home has also kept me out of trouble. At 21, if I would have moved to the city, there would have been so much more temptation to party and make poor decisions. Being in a safe environment where I'm still held accountable gave me the opportunity to prioritize my life. As grateful as I am to my family for putting up with me for two years, I'm happy to say that will be changing come November. Yay for new beginnings!

Now, back to reminiscing about how fun my 21st birthday was... 

24: A Year of Expectations

Today is my last day being 23. When did that happen? 24 sounds so old. I know 20 years down the road I am going to laugh at myself for saying that but in this moment, 24 sounds ancient. When I was younger, I put a lot of expectations on this year. I always thought 24 would be the year I would get married. In my juvenile mind that meant my life would be perfectly put together. Ha! Life certainly hasn't followed the pattern I thought it would.

Here I am, 24 tomorrow, and starting over. Although it probably won’t be the year I marry the man God has predestined for me, it is still going to be a year of new beginnings. At 24 I will hopefully get to move in with one of my best friends, grow closer to Jesus, join a new church, complete my student teaching, earn my master’s degree, and start my career in education. Wow! God’s plans for this year are so m
uch bigger than mine could have ever been! So here is to 24 and forgetting expectations. 

 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11 ESV)

An {Almost Missed} Calling

Growing up, I must have been asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" a thousand times. When I got to college, the first thing people would ask when meeting is "What's your major?" It was what told the most about a new acquaintance. As a society, we put so much emphasis on careers. It makes sense, really, as the age of retirement keeps climbing, a career is likely to last 50+ years. That's pretty terrifying.  

I changed my major once during undergrad. A lot of my friends changed theirs 3+ times. Not many people know at 18 what they want to do the rest of their lives. I knew when I graduated that I would never work in the field of psychology. So how did I end up graduating with a major I knew I wouldn't use? I kept asking the wrong questions and putting weight in the wrong things. 

Firstly, I kept asking myself what I wanted to do. That isn't an inherently bad question but the issue was with what I thought would make *me* happy. See, there was this boy. (Insert annoyed sigh here) You could call him my middle school/high school/most of college sweetheart. What idiot 17-20 year old Lauren thought would make her happy was making *him* happy. So when little, naive {still idiotic} Lauren felt a calling to education and told said boy about it, she needed his approval. Instead, she was told that she was "worth more" than a teacher. Red flag #862? Probably. Like I said, I was idiotic. There was also a huge lay off of teachers my sophomore year that contributed to me not changing my path. Yay Texas educational system...

"So what are the right questions?" The few people who will read this might ask. It's taken me 6 years post-high school to figure that out. First, I needed to realize that "happy" is a relative term. What made me happy at 20 was making someone else happy. Now, I haven't even spoken with that someone in 2+ years. Making him happy is no longer my concern (thank goodness). I also thought a career that could eventually lead to a six figure income would make me happy. Two years climbing the corporate ladder and chasing raises has made me realize that life isn't for me. "Happy" is an emotion and emotions shouldn't lead our major life decisions. Instead what I should have been asking were the following:

"What am I good at?"

"What are my spiritual gifts?"

"Where do I feel called to?"

I'm good at English. I'm sure I'll make some grammatical errors in this blog so please don't hold me to that :) but overall English was always my strongest subject. It was easy. I had a passion for writing growing up and I was actually pretty gifted at it. If you saw just my English SAT score, you would have thought I was headed to an Ivy League (instead I went to a state school. Thanks, math). But who doesn't like being good at something?

Now asking myself about my spiritual gifts would have been just as clear cut. I'm good with children. Actually, I'm great with them. I've always felt that I could communicate with kids better than I could those around me. My love and connection with children has always been obvious. My obsession with Frozen probably contributes to this... 

The last question I mentioned above can be the most difficult. I know it was for me. Being in tune with what God was calling me to do with my life meant I needed to have a real relationship with Him. I'll admit this wasn't always the case in college. Even while running away, I felt clearly called to education though. I knew what God wanted from me and it wasn't going to be easy. I didn't want to change my major (so I didn't). I didn't want to go against the man I loved (so I didn't). I didn't want to choose a path that meant a lower salary (so I didn't). 

So how did idiot Lauren finally take the plunge and start pursuing what God wanted from her? I finally asked the right questions. I tried answering the wrong ones for so long but never felt satisfied. Chasing happiness, money, and the approval of others just left me empty. When I finally saw what I was good at (English), recognized the skills I was blessed with (connecting with children), and submitted to God's will, it all fell together. 

So here I am. I'm nearly 24 and a full-time student again. I'm sort of starting over. It would have been much easier to have done this the "right" way from the beginning but God has provided me grace and an opportunity to submit to His will. It's a little scary not knowing what teaching will truly be like. I can't lie and say I don't wonder if I'm doing the right thing or not sometimes. When I trust that God has me right where He wants me though, I am at peace.